The Penis Bite

I haven’t written a blog post in months.  I lost the confidence, motivation, and energy. Although I would like to say I don’t care what people think about me, that would be a lie.  I do care. Especially in the blog-like setting where people only potentially judge me instead of asking questions to fully understand. As a mom, one who stays home at that, I hated so much of my communication with adults being one-sided. I was exposing my world, my crazy brain, my weaknesses to everyone. My reputation was at the mercy of those who read these posts. So I gave up, temporarily at least.


Between the toddler tantrums and the random food fights that go down over here, I often thought if other people could relate, or at least laugh at the crazy shit that happens on a regular basis, then maybe I would start writing again. I told myself throughout the months I would wait for the right moment, when I felt compelled to say something glorious and meaningful for the outside world to digest.


Well friends, that moment has arrived.


My son bit his brother’s penis.  


“Say whaaa?”, you ask.  


Ahem. Let me repeat myself.  “My son bit his brother’s penis.”  


(Try explaining that to the doctor without getting removed in handcuffs).


Prior to this event, I made the mistake of verbalizing that my day had been easy.  The kids were magical, the dogs had kept their vomit and shit inside their bodies until they reached the great outdoors, a preservative-free meal was placed upon the dinner table. You can’t make-up a day this good if you tried in the stay-at-home-mom world. So I said it. I said it loud and proud, to my husband, to my friends, to my family, whoever would listen.  “Today was a good day. It was easy.”


Hindsight is 20/20, friends.  You don’t say that shit out loud, I don’t care how good a day you had. Because something will happen, and that something is bad. Very bad.


I heard the screeching, I saw his hunched over body, I saw his hands grabbing his lower region.  In my head it was slow motion, but I quickly unzipped his pajamas…and there I saw it. A partially chewed penis. I screamed and my husband thought the penis had been separated from the body.  It was a scene from Grey’s Anatomy, everyone was hyperventilating, the 2-year old was thrown in his room (whimpering like a puppy dog), crash carts were ordered.  And even though a 4-year old doesn’t know much about life, he knows his goods down below are something dudes cherish and respect. He knew something was different about this injury than the rest. He cried, asked when it would go away, acted like his life was on the line. He slept in our bed that night for close monitoring. We were all a little bit traumatized and have learned a very valuable lesson: keep the biter far, far away from any loosely-hanging objects.


My life is consumed of far too many awkward moments like this.  It’s a fun life to live, but exhausting simultaneously. After The Penis Bite, which we will capitalize because it has forever deemed itself a monumental event in our household, I wondered what I did wrong to raise a kid who bites his brother’s penis! AND I’M BEING FOR REAL.


This was “the final straw”. I was desperate to find all of the positive things I had done around this house to make up for such a traumatizing event! We have been making flippin’ HEALTHY smoothies lately.  Lots of bribing goes down to get these kids to chug all that goodness down. Never thought I would admit this, but I feel proud now as a stay-at-home-mom to get my kids to eat something healthy, weather it be one piece of broccoli or a green DISGUSTING looking smoothie.


After The Penis Bite, I found a smoothie mixture that my kids actually loved. WINNING. One day, my husband calls me from the bathroom because Camden had shit the most ginormous, long, round, perfectly colored shit he had EVER seen.  I have never felt so proud, people. This was actually a conversation in our house.


“Honey, what did you do today?”


“Oh, I just did some radio signal stuff that only a genius can understand. What did you do today?”




Hmmm, I guess I need to find something more to make me proud. So I’m back, at least for now.  Never a dull moment with two little boys running, biting and shitting around, so I may as well share. Enjoy life!


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