Here is a list I compiled of the top 10 must-haves for a new mom:
Yeah, I don’t have a fucking clue. You would think after 2 babies I would have more knowledge, more advice, more insight. But I really don’t. And it’s not because I don’t obsess over my children, their behavior and their health. I swear it’s literally all I think about. But in the baby phase of life, I never really figured out a system that worked ALL (or hell, even most) of the time. Nothing has changed even with my 3 year old. In normal conversation, friends have asked me for advice when they have their first child. So here goes nothing.
- The baby needs something to shit in. Whether it be cloth diapers, Huggies, or those diapers that are dipped in Unicorn feces, that’s your call.
- You need a punching bag for when the baby won’t stop crying, or the toddler keeps saying “no”, or when your drool-faced husband is sleeping soundly while you are up feeding a newborn at 3:34am…again. (Am I the only one who literally imagined getting a knife and stabbing the hubs? I wish this were an exaggeration and that I was really just frustrated. But no, I actually had these thoughts.)
- You need an upgrade on whatever size bed you have. King size preferred. Because somebody is going to end up in it. And no, honey, it’s not gonna be my hot friend coming over for a threesome.
- The mom needs something to make her happy when her hormones are raging and she is running on 38 seconds of sleep. And this something should most definitely not be a refill of percocet or vicodin. That’s all I’ll say.
- The baby needs food. If you want your kid to be a genius, I hear breastfeeding is the way to go. Otherwise, if you are okay with a mediocre brain or a straight-up dumbass, formula is a fine alternative. KIDDING! It’s crazy people are made to feel guilty over this. Fed is best. Feed your kid whatever makes the world go round. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise or tries to belittle you. I breastfed my kids a little bit and half the time I don’t even think they have a frontal lobe.
- You need a vehicle to transport the kids to the doctor every other day in the winter, and the grocery store to buy the brain-killing powder known as formula, and the gym with a daycare so you can sit in a bathroom stall and facebook for two hours. And this vehicle should probably be a minivan unless you want to open the car door by yourself.
- Go get 3 microwaves. Now. Because you won’t ever actually cook again. You will just buy frozen stuff that needs to be microwaved. The issue is it takes 8 minutes for each item, so x3 items and you have yourself a 24 minute meal prep. If I had my shit together enough to plan 24 minutes in advance, I wouldn’t be microwaving the entire frozen food aisle at Kroger.
- Buy yo ass some sexy looking yoga pants, because ain’t nobody got time to dress up.
- And last but not least, you need a fucking sense of humor. Because nothing will EVER go as planned. It will literally take you 3 hours to exit the house in the morning, 7 pairs of clothes to get you through the day and more moments of pure insanity than you would ever care to admit. There will be a moment when you are exhausted, emotionally spent, sitting in the corner of the nursery, covered in vomit that smells like partially digested roadkill, holding a sick baby who can’t breathe out of his nose and won’t let you put him down, using a weird contraption where you attach a tube from your mouth to the baby’s nose and suck the snot and half their brain into a container (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, just fucking wait for it). And the only thing you can do is LAUGH. And probably cry, but laugh a little bit too. Because everyone says you will miss these days and that you should enjoy it while it lasts. So you enjoy the vomit and the snot, you embrace the extra snuggles and the extra loads of laundry, you laugh at how pathetic you are in that moment, and you tell another mom one day in the future “hey, I was there once, but I made it out alive. And you will too.”
So no, I don’t have a pretty list of objects that every new mom MUST purchase in order to survive motherhood. There is no such list, in fact. And I have no clue how to raise a child, I’m just figuring it out as I go. Just keep it alive, forgive yourself when you lose your fucking mind and laugh.