It All Comes Down to an Itchy Butthole.

 

I recently transitioned from a working mom to a stay-at-home mom. I was a high school math teacher for 6 years, 3 of those years I was also a mom. The early wakeup call at 5am to pump or grade papers (or both), the late nights of rocking a crying baby or answering emails (or both) finally got to me. After months of conversation, my husband and I made the decision to pull the trigger. But…there were still months of school to get through and lots of time to change my mind…

 

During this time, I heard both sides of the story that make my decision even more difficult… The SAHM’s said how difficult it was to be on the job 24/7.  The pressure of having to not only keep your kids alive {isn’t that freakin’ enough?!}, a SAHM is expected to keep the house clean and tidy and have dinner on the table at 5:36pm, all of course done looking sexy in your underwear. The kids are supposed to be miniature model citizens, saying “please” and “thank you”, oh my gosh “SHARING IS CARING”, “now little Johnny you need to clean up your mess.” {I always hate those moms that make you look like a bad mom. You just want to grab your kids and peace out at playdates, not mess with “clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere…blah blah”} And lord help us all, the pinterest activities. OHHHH the pinterest activities.  SAHM’s are required to have an intellectually stimulating activity that keeps your 13 month old’s high level of attention for a solid 58 minutes. Otherwise, you are a FSAHM (failing stay-at-home mom). TOO MUCH PRESSURE. But it’s so rewarding, they say, when the paycheck finally comes in….

 

Why would anyone voluntarily sign up for this? I started wondering if staying home wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.

 

On the other hand, the working moms said that SAHM’s were cray-cray. I mean, for real…did they think that our laundry just magically got done when we were at work? Please. We worked all day {because, ya know, SAHM’s don’t work. Psh. They just, like, play and shit} then we have to come home and DO the laundry at 9:23pm. And scrubbing the toilet usually happens once every two weeks when we have time {aka when our cleaning lady comes. Wait, this is a pro…}. Working moms have the stress of sick days and having to figure out who will sacrifice a day of work to care for the ailing little humans. Working moms have to pack bags every evening for daycare, all the while having anxiety over someone else being responsible for their child’s life. Working moms are expected to give 100% to their job AND to their husband AND to their children AND to their house. Now I know I taught math, but this seems impossible.

 

Why would anyone voluntarily sign up for this?

 

Thinking that the world revolved around me and that the universe was awaiting my final decision, I went back and forth over whether I wanted to do laundry at 9:23pm or do pinterest activities for the rest of eternity.

 

Until one day, my three year old son shrieked with terror.  Something really, really bad was happening. I dropped what I was doing. I ran. Everything was in slow motion. It was a blur. I grew gray hairs on the way to him.  When I rounded the corner and saw his big, blue eyes staring at me, he so simply stated “my butthole itches. Mama, itch it.”

 

 

Excuse me?

 

Once I realized he was for real, and that the only way I was going to get back to that cup of coffee before it turned colder than Antarctica, I itched his butthole.  Now, I did so with “Thomas the Tank Train” underwear as a firm barrier.  No finger-to-butthole contact was officially made. But I itched that butthole. And I itched it good. And during this itch-fest, it occurred to me that I could stay a working mom or I could become a stay-at-home mom.  And all of the pressure society places on you, all of the expectations other moms put on themselves {and thus put on you when you undoubtedly compare yourselves}, … all of the stress, the exhaustion, the smells, the sacrifices, the fun, the smiles, the kisses, the hugs, … it all comes down to an itchy butthole. And I will be itching buttholes no matter what path I choose.

 

At the end of the day, working moms and stay-at-home moms are producing the same quality of children, just doing so in different ways. So next time you find yourself getting worked up over something at work or at home, or feel that a mom has her shit together and you are falling apart, just remember she has itched a butthole before {or if she hasn’t done that, she definitely has touched diarrhea}.

 

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5 thoughts on “It All Comes Down to an Itchy Butthole.

  1. Baaaahahahaha! Reminds me of cleaning poop dingle berries out of my dogs’ butts…you just kind of…do it.

    I swear as women in general, we kind of automatically sacrifice what men would call “dignity” just to make those we love in our lives a little bit happier, and a little bit more comfortable.

    Whether it be children, our significant others, or our pets, sometimes everyone just needs their butt holes metaphorically (and sometimes literally!) itched. The things we do for love.

    1. 🤣🤣 I can’t wait to check out your site!! Doing that today during nap time. Aka the only time I can focus 2 seconds of energy into ANYTHING. Thanks so much for checking my blog out.

  2. I’m laughing out loud at the playground right now. Itchy butt holes… been there, done that. Haha. You’re a talented writer, Rachal!

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